Monday, September 9, 2013

Not Alone Series: Can a Woman Pursue a Man?

If you haven't come across it yet, Jen from Jumping In Puddles and Morgan from Follow and Believe host a fantastic weekly linkup for all the single ladies, with a new topic for discussion each week.  Today, what's on the table for their Not Alone Series is the question of whether it's possible for a woman to pursue a man.  I've never participated in the series until today, but this question is one that I've changed my opinion a lot on in the last few years, and I was so glad for the opportunity to put it into words.  Click here for more bloggers' takes on this!

My short answer to this question is yes: I absolutely think it's possible for a woman to pursue a man, in a real, genuine way that neither defies who we are in our femininity nor buys into what the culture has to offer.

Until I was in my 20s, my dating experience was limited, to say the least.  I was big-time shy in high school.  That's not to say I didn't ache for a loving relationship; I definitely did.  During my conversion in college, that desire deepened more and more in my heart as I learned about pure, authentic love and began praying for my future husband.  I loved being surrounded by a community of friends who were growing in faith at the same time I was and meeting other young women who took relationships seriously and weren't afraid to want both a family and a fulfilling life outside the home.

But there was something else among young Catholics, sometimes in books (I had a lot of issues with Captivating, but that's a post for another time) and sometimes in conversations I had, that I started to notice.  They had a lot of opinions, bordering on rules, it sometimes seemed, about dating and relationships:  Guard your heart.  Guard his heart.  Don't be too forward with guys, because it's not feminine.  He should always be the one to initiate texts, dates, and hanging out.  Be a little hard to get, because men like having something to fight for.

Whoa.  These ideas represent just one school of thought when it comes to dating, one I know isn't universal, nor entirely wrong, but at the time, it was pretty confusing for me.  If men and women are created to inspire each other's inherent masculinity and femininity, I wondered, was it really necessary to analyze things so much and to practically strategize my dating life just so I could follow the Catholic playbook?

The conclusion I think I've come to is no; all of that's not necessary.  I wrote a few weeks ago about a thought I often have, that the more intimately you come to know the Lord through prayer and worship, the more deeply you come to know yourself.  As I grew in faith, I discovered, I grew in honesty.  Not without difficulty and a few servings of humble-flavored pie, I slowly, slowly became (and am still becoming) more honest with myself about my shortcomings in virtue, more open with my friends about my struggles, and much more able to see a negative relationship I was in with truthful, critical eyes.  I think, then, that honesty plays a huge role in creating clarity when it comes to dating.

John Paul II's Theology Of the Body goes back to the Garden, where the Father created man and woman from love and for love.  Man and woman He created them, to each answer the deepest desire of the other's heart and to be loved in the fullness of their dignity and worth.  Men and women complement each other, and it's written right into our bodies that men are active initiators of the gift of self, and women are active receivers.

So, do I think men and women each have something distinctive to offer in a relationship and that our sexual difference fosters different roles in giving and receiving?  Of course (I think about this in particular as we prepare to become parents next month!), and far be it from me to disagree with a Pope, but in my opinion, there has to be a meeting somewhere between theology and our daily lives.  Focusing too much on distinctions and roles, in my observation, can sometimes inhibit the natural growth of a friendship between a man and a woman, as well as the path to romance.  There can be all this head knowledge, but it doesn't always translate to movements of the heart.  If a woman insists, for instance, that she should only receive, rather than give or initiate, any romantic gestures from a man who's interested in her, I've noticed that it tends to squash any potential relationship more often than it helps it along, because there's a lack of complete honesty and reciprocation.

Boldness can be good, and even holy, I think.  If he's interested and you like him, say so!  Being honest with yourself and potential dates about your feelings, instead of keeping a man guessing for the sake of maintaining his interest or hiding your inclinations out of fear or convention, just seems to make things so much simpler and clearer for both people involved.  As women, I think pursuing men involves directness and a willingness to make our feelings and intentions clear, and to return his gestures, like phone calls and time spent together, rather than leaving it all up to him.

The first time Andrew asked me on a date, I had just ended my first serious relationship a few weeks before and knew I wasn't ready yet, even though I really liked him.  So I told him so.  After spending several more weeks in prayer and discernment, I felt like the time was right, but I knew that the ball was in my court.  He, after all, was waiting patiently and so sweetly for me, and if I didn't say anything to this boy I knew was special, how would things ever get rolling?  I saw him and asked him to ask me out again.  "Okay, soon then," he said.  Not ten minutes later, he asked and we made plans for our first date.

Before Andrew, I think I'd still held onto some conventions about Christian dating, about how the guy should always do this, the girl should always do that, and all that jazz.  I was amazed to find that as our relationship grew, I thought about those conventions less and less, and it was so good.  Instead of blurring the lines of what manhood and womanhood required in dating, I feel like both of our identities became so much clearer.  We revealed more and more of who we are, not just to each other, but to ourselves, because of the easy honesty between us.  I realized that it's not who does what so much as the fact that equality in dignity and in love is the most essential part of a relationship.  Andrew was, and still is, such a gentleman, but suddenly it didn't seem to matter much if I treated him or drove us to our destination now and then.  Serving each other and giving gifts were acts of love, not declarations of masculinity or femininity and who wore the pants.

Being on the other side of marriage now, I guess some aspect of pursuing each other is over, but I've learned that it really is so important to still initiate love and pursue Andrew as a woman, in everything from our physical relationship to how we get chores done.  For us, I think having strictly defined notions of what a husband does and what a wife does would put more pressure on being a certain way for the other and wouldn't let our natural skills, inclinations (I enjoy cooking more than my husband does, for example, while he never minds doing the laundry), and affections flourish.

Thoughts, ladies?  I get that everyone sees dating a little differently, and that can be so good.  I'm taking the rest of this week off from blogging, but meantime, I'd love to know where you stand on this!


  1. Love this healthy and balanced perspective! Love enfleshed, fueled by the Eucharist and the Holy Spirit, and rooted in a deep commitment to live rooted in the Truth, will naturally find its way to the truest expressions of masculinity and femininity!

  2. I love this. Everything you said about honesty and knowing yourself is perfect. I think that the more we become the most authentically true versions of ourselves, the easier it is to just be ourselves and there's less worry about "ooo should I approach him?" and all those rules that are placed on us. It's my natural personality to approach new people and get to know them, so why should I act differently towards a man I find attractive?

    Thank you so much for joining us!!! Your experienced viewpoint is so important! :)

  3. This was beautiful! Reciprocity! Mutual self-gift! That's what love is about. :) My beliefs don't land any which way, but right now I have a preference for initiation. But I do know that from prior experience, sometimes communicating my interest was the right call, both for him and myself. Even though it didn't work out in the end I would've liked, it had nothing to do who said what first.

    1. It definitely takes two...thanks so much for reading!

  4. Ahh!! Thank you SO much, Stephanie, for joining!! :)

    This was great! Your description of love is beautiful. It is so important and most definitely what we are called to do within our relationships. But, I don't think that just because the guy pursues means that the girl will not love in the way you described. I don't think they are necessarily related. That type of love only comes with time, as the relationship grows (and as you grow closer with the Lord, as you said beautifully).

    I agree with being bold, when necessary. If the guy is not catching on that you are interested, then by all means, let him know! If he doesn't take the bait, then he isn't interested and we have to move on. In your situation with your hubby, I agree the ball was in your court, but HE is the one who pursued you first. :)

    Anyway... I just wanted to make sure that it was clear, for example, that if I let a guy pursue me, I will most definitely do all I can do (with the grace of God) to love my husband the way you described. Just because I feel strongly about it, doesn't me that I want him to do all the work for the rest of our lives. :)



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